Holy Shit I'm Stupid!

So hello guys, ignore all my music posts and that I won't be running this. I'm back and I plan on continuing this blog. There are differences: I'm in college, I swear a lot more (excuse me for it), and I'm a lot more opinionated. Let's get this on the roll. I'M SO FUCKING STUPID!!! I was working at an anime convention and I basically hung out with two awesome guys. One was more outgoing, while the other was more of a serious goofball, as odd as that sounds. Let's talk about the second one, who I'm calling Venom. We were hanging out, asking questions. It was just Venom and I. He asked a whole bunch of questions that started a conversation, while I asked small questions like "What's your favourite number?" I like knowing the small things about people. One of the questions that he asked was, "Would you kiss me before the night is over?" Now understand this, the guy was fucking awesome, hilarious, and pretty god damn cute! I didn't realize how much of an idiot I sounded like when I replied, "Probably not." THIS FUCKING CUTE GUY WAS CRUSHING ON ME AND TRYING TO MAKE MOVES!!! I WANT THE MOVES! I feel horrible about not explaining any of it. I forgot that he doesn't read my mind, so how would he know my feelings? I probably crushed him! I'm a fucking idiot! This is my should-have-been response to his question: "Probably not out of my will. I don't show my affection like others. I do it in the small things I do, like sitting closer to you, joking around more, and hugs! Being close to people scares the fucking shit out of me. I don't have many close relationships because of this. I've tried being close to people, but it didn't work out in basic friendships. Why would it work in relationships? I haven't had a good relationship because I don't show any physical contact or any cutesy coversationalistic things. I only hang out with them more as I like their presence. The people I'm crushing over see me a ton. I want to be near you, that's it. All the silly questions and you messing with me is awesome, I like it. Jacob, you're a fucking awesome guy. I'm insecure about myself as I'm sixteen and I haven't kissed anyone. If you would like to, go ahead, but I have no fucking clue on what I would do. If you asked me, all I want to do is fall asleep next to you, probably hugging you. A small thing? Hell yeah, but that's how comfortable I feel with you. I'm willing to let all of my defenses down and just hug you. I haven't hugged anyone in fucking years. Just go ahead and kiss me, but please be aware of how huge a step this is for me." I wanted to say that as soon as I realize. For all of my insecurities: Thanks the fucking bitches who beat me into the scared shit I am. Thank you for scaring me from human contact and conversation. I fucking hate you. Now to those wonderful people who are helping me, I FUCKING LOVE YOU! Venom is an awesome as guy and I hope that he somehow gets that response out of me, even if it's a small conversation. He's an awesome guy who deserves to know this whole thing about me and I'm not willing to hide it as being honest brings truer friends. I miss Venom so much. How can one guy change me from the chick who didn't even shake hands with strangers to battling myself to kiss your awesome face? I'm beating myself up over how blunt I put out the shitty answer. I want a do over and I plan on getting it soon. See ya soon, Venom.